My life is totally and undeniably out of control yet, for a reason unfathomable, others think I am perfectly…stable. I realized several things recently as products of my late night wanderings through the twisted corridors of my mind. One is that I have become someone I am not or rather I don’t want to be. Everything is too intense and rather than doing things my way I flinch into submissive, conservative pathways, ways that are so trodden down with the stampeding feet of mindless cattle. Once again I have to ask myself why I am doing everything I do. My greatest fear in this whole universe is not death or pain but disapproval from anyone even those I despise with my entire being. Its made me a doormat really, to everybody. I went to a party recently and by the end of the night I had listened to everybody’s problems and coached them through the resolutions. I got no thanks, no nothing, but several comments on why I existed to these people. “You are a freak; we want to see what you do next”. An impressive compliment from someone crying on my shoulder I must say! Yet I was happy because they wanted me there even though it was for sport. As long as I was with these famous people, these people I wanted to impress, I was willing to sacrifice my dignity. Eventually I mopped it up off the floor but I think I missed a bit.
So the point of this entry is a bit of good, old moaning but I think behind the dribble I just wanted to say to someone, anyone, I am still inside, still thinking and I am fighting. Before I return to the monotonous corridors of school I have made an important decision. No longer will I do what others wish. I am who I am whether they like it or not. All my heroes never changed who they were; they never sacrificed one inch of their values to find happiness in company so I shouldn’t either. I am geeky, I am weird and I am me. I am also well aware that this will win me few friends. High school, socially, is an instituted poison injected into the veins of all that pass its gates and this action is an unwanted allergic reaction to it. The queen bees will swarm but who knows a library may be my salvation.
I realize this all sounds dramatic but I really want independence and identity. I want to be true to myself for a change rather than floating in between these strange circus mirror reflections of me because it makes me unhappy. This year is a turning point of for the entire year levels ethos hopefully. I wish that when we get back from hibernation that we all are a little more civilized and a little more open to the world but who knows that could just be a fantasy. I am not going to write that fantasy off just yet because I am going to make a difference. I think I have had a lot of practice at the changing thing (Trust me I tried everything!) and now I can handle it well and responsibly rather than my desperate previous attempts and if I change maybe it will help us all change.
So summing up I am not going to be such a doormat, I am not going to care about trying to impress everybody and I am doing this because I want to live life. Life’s not a dress rehearsal but the real thing and all the world is MY stage for the moment so why get distracted by playing the fool when there is a star inside of me?
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Hey Bell, I too have struggled with this all my life. Others see me as very successful, but I often feel that I betray myself day after day.
ReplyDeleteAnd the worst way I betray myself is by not answering and living by this simple question: "What do I want?"
In the last year or so, I have learnt to ask myself this question when I start to be confused or feel compromised. And you know what I found? It was bloody hard to answer. It was really easy to answer what I wanted to do to make someone else happy, or what I wanted to do because it would be the right thing to do. But to simply answer, what do I want. Well that was actually quite hard.
I wondered why it was so hard. And I decided it was because it was easier to think about others, than take full responsibility for my decisions. Bringing others into the equation makes the justifications easier, and if you make a mistake you have an excuse (a small one at least). But it makes you second guess life and others. And I've found that that is not really that useful.
So I've been working hard to choose my life's path using this question. I've found that the answers are very different than those in the past. And that's intriguing.
There's no doubt that it's hard, but it has much more integrity than the other way.
And life is indeed much simpler. Pity I'm addicted to complexity ... now that's another story all together.